A Radiant Path
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Freedom is the only way, yeah!
1. Chapter 1

Crimea! Fuck Yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah!

Radiant Path: A Humorous novelization

NEW GAME

Select your difficulty

Arrow: Normal.

Selected!

RNG

Fixed, because random is shit.

Prolouge:

Fire Emblem eight, as it was lacking in quality, had not left much of an impression on critics or fans. Gamers are all around the world were questioning Nintendo on hands and knees and begging them: "Why, Nintendo, why have you forsaken us!" They went on to lament on how, in a few years time, Nintendo would be known as the 'gimmicky' company, who rely solely on motion controls and Mario to bring in the paychecks.

However, these people should know that Nintendo does not develop Fire Emblem. No, Nintendo simply publishes it. Intelligent Systems smirked to themselves as they set out to make a game that was about a bazillion times better then Fire Emblem Seven, with it's notoriously slutty protaganist and actually interesting plot.

However, Intelligent Systems found, to their dismay, that Fire Emblem had dropped off of most people's radar. They were too busy playing crappy first person shooters and Grand Theft Auto, which only sells because of the whole Hooker bang thing.

Intelligent systems realized that no one wants to play as a girly prince (Marth) A slut with shitty promotion (Lyn) Gingers (Roy and Eliwood) No, what they wanted was to play as the greatest, most manliest motherfucker around.

So they just took the model of Hector, made him even more badass, made him a bit more quiet, and changed his name to Ike, and they sat back in their chairs and smiled. They had just created a masterpiece.

Of course, that would all go to hell by the next game, but that's another story.

...

Ike's scream penetrated the poorly animated scene, as he swung his sword down on his old man. "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!"

Greil's face was stony, as he stared Ike down. His nose was huge. _"Is he really ready for his own game?"_ Greil thought to himself as he countered each of Ike's level one attacks. _"Maybe they were just messing with me and Mist is the real star."_

As if on cue, a horrible voice actor's wail was heard by the duo. "Dad! Ike!" she screamed.

"Ah, Mist." Greil said, as he lowered his weapon. _"Who the hell cast our voices?" _He wondered. _"Ah well. The Japanese version had voice acting in all the scenes, so I suppose it shouldn't break the game."_

"AYEAH!" Ike screamed, as he took advantage of Greil's thoughts to attack. Greil, as a true badass, stepped out of the way out of pure instinct and whacked Ike in the back with his sword as hard as he could.

"_Oops." _Greil thought as Ike crashed to the ground, his Hit points reduced to zero. He had overdone it, and bit, it seemed. He examined his sword arm: Although it was now nowhere near as strong as it once was, he could still beat the crap out of his kid. Greil sighed. He was beginning to wonder if Ike had what it took to become a mercernary.

Mist took Ike's moment of pain to show off how shitty her voice acting was. "Oh no!" She said, in the most ridiculously high pitched voice imaginable. She also intoned it weirdly. She dashed over to Ike, as he blacked out.

...

A melody filled the air as Ike stared in the face of his mother.

"Do, do do do do do do do do do, do do, do do da dee." She hummed, as she stroked Ike's face.

_"Yeah, having dreams about my mother while I'm asleep like this is perfectly normal." _Ike sighed, enjoying the feeling of being coddled.

_"Wait a minute... I'm asleep..." _Ike thought, with absolute horror. _"My mom's dead!"_

As the realization came to be, Ike's dream started to fade.

"No, no, no! Fuck, No! Fall back asleep, back asleep- no, you were not having a dream, this is reality... shit!"

Ike blinked as he sat up. He reached up to his forehead and removed Mist's bandana thing, which for some reason was on his forehead. He looked behind him, and Mist was picking flowers, while singing a strangely familiar song.

"That's... Mother's song." Ike muttered.

Mist looked to his way, and smiled. "Oh, you're up. Bout time!" She said, closing her eyes for some reason.

_"Okay, who the hell writes this crap?"_

_..._

"Whoo! Glad that's over!" Mist said, as she ran over to Ike. "Now we can pretend I talk like an actualy teenage girl!"

"Sure, whatever." Ike said, as he touched his forehead. His headache would not go away.

"Are you alright?" She asked. Mist, being the token 'nice girl' of Japanese RPG's, had no choice but to be nice to her brother. It was in her nature as a character archtype.

"I'm fine. I want to kick some Commander dad's ass." Ike said, as he tightened his grip on his sword.

"Are you serious?" Mist asked, alarm in her voice. "He killed you last time!"

"That was during the shitty opening cutscene where you went out of your way to make every word you spoke as annoying and weird as possible, I had a dream about my mom, and a very obvious plot device was shoved in to make the whole thing even more stupid and awkward. I think losing to dad is just as bad as all that, so know that the game has really started... Bring it!"

"Ike, I commend your spirit." Greil said, as he dashed over from where he was standing. "And yes, we will continue. You will not have a place in my company without my approval."

"Oh, you two..." Mist sighed, as she shook her head. "Well, since Ike's HP is refreshed, I don't see anything wrong with it. Just try to keep it civil!"

"Guys!" A man with green hair screamed as he dashed through the woods. "Where are you?"

"Boyd. Over here." Greil said, gesturing. "Nothing is wrong at base?"

"Nothing." Boyd said cheerfully. "We just wanted to know where you are!"

"I see." Greil said, as he cleared his throat. "You came at a perfect time, actually. I was just thinking that Ike needs to practice with someone who doesn't have as much... ah, experience."

"Alright, Commander Dad. I got this guy." Ike said. "I'm going to show my enthusiasm by moving ten squares away."

"By careful, Ike!" Mist said. As she checked the stats of the two, she could not help but wonder how it would be possible for Ike to lose, unless he decided to be a ditz and unequipped his sword just to see what would happen. How was Boyd the professional, again?

"They need the money." Greil said to her quietly, as if he had read her mind. Mist nodded, as the two prepared for battle.

"Alright, Ike. Bring it on, boy!" Boyd said, as he hefted his axe above his head.

"Boyd's got nothing." Mist snickered. "Get him, Bro!"

Ike ran across six squares, and then stopped.

"What the hell, man?" Boyd asked, four squares away. "I'm waiting? Hurry up?"

"Why am I childishly moving in straight lines, and only for a few steps at every time?" Ike wondered aloud.

"That's the game, kid." Greil said.

"Why don't you move, anyway?" Ike asked Boyd.

"Ha! I'm the first (and, if I do say so, the most handsome) Boss in the game!" Boyd proclaimed.

"That doesn't mean you're very tough." Ike noted, as he took his turn and walked the remaining squares to attack Boyd. "Okay, I got this."

As Ike seleted 'attack' he swung his sword and caught Boyd square in the face, taking out a sizeable chunk of his life bar. As Boyd struck back, Ike flinched as he too was hit.

"Oh yeah, this is totally a realistic representation of war." Mist said sarcastically as Ike and Boyd stepped back, and waited for Boyd's turn to start.

"Do not insult the goddess's teachings!" Greil snapped.

Boyd attacked, hit Ike, and Ike hit back.

"If this is all there is to war, I'm going to be pissed." Mist complained.

It was Ike's turn again, and his first strike rendered Boyd's HP to zero.

"Son of a bitch!" Boyd cursed as he fell to the ground. "I'm a professional... how did you...?"

"I eat five dozen eggs for breakfast every morning." Ike explained as he turned to Greil. "Commander Dad! I'm coming for you!"

"Mist?" Greil asked, without turning to look at his daughter.

"Yes!" Mist growled, as she launched herself at Ike, pulling out her sword, the weird one from the sequel that shoots laser beams. "I challenge you, brother!"

"Mist! I meant give him a vulnerary!" Greil snapped.

Mist pouted. "Alright... alright..." She relucatantly pulled out a vial from somewhere, and handed it to Ike. "It's dangerous to go alone, take this."

"Right." Ike said, as he took the vial.

"Make sure you drink it." Mist lectured. "If you get a game over in the tutorial level, I'm never going to let you live it down!"

"Whatever." Ike said, as he turned to Greil. "I'm ready, Commander Dad!"

"Alright. Mist, out of the way."

"Oh... you're no fun." Mist said. "Boyd! Out of the way!"

"Alirght, alright... Geez..."

As Greil marched over to his boss square, Boyd went ahead and checked his stats. "Holy shit, Level ten? Ike is so screwed."

"No, you idiot." Mist hissed. "Look at his actual stats: Complete crap. And a level E in swords... I didn't even know they went that low. Ugh."

Battle start!

"Commander Dad, I shall heed your lesson." Ike said solemnly, as he gulped down the vulneary. "That's some good shit." He commented, as he threw the two thirds filled bottle to the side. "You must always tend you your wounds, no matter how small." He quoted.

"A listen well learned." Greil said. He passed on his turn.

Ike ran over to Greil and attacked him with his sword. Greil struck back.

"Most boring fight ever." Boyd complained. Mist punched him in the arm.

As Ike struck his dad down, his heart rate began to increase. "No... I did it... I beat him! Yes! I did it! I'm stronger then Commander Dad! Yippi-Ki-"

"Ike, I was going easy on you."

"I knew that." Ike said, trying to regain his compusure.

"Anyway, even at one thousandth of my one hundreth strength, that is still better then most of the guys around here, so good job, I guess. First job is tommorow."

"I'm a Mercernary now... Awesome!"

"Joy." Boyd said dryly. "I can't wait to work with you."

"Act more mature, Ike." Mist scolded.

"Okay, okay." Ike said, smiling. "I'm happy, okay? I've been waiting for this for a long time."

"Being a mercernary is hard work, Ike!" Boyd said. "People die around you all the time, are you sure you can handle it?"

"Of course."


	2. Caldea: First Mission

Chapter One

First Job

Ike had not slept well at all the night before. In order to prepare for his first job as a hired killer, he had spent his night gorging himself on cookies and milk, as he studied the tactics of the Lady Lyn, of Sacea through diligent observation of her youtube videos. It was educational, and Ike had the pleasure of observing Lady Lyndis's legs, so it was a night well spent.

Ike had gotten up after six hours of sleep, feeling wide awake and alert. He spent the early morning going through his sword strikes, knowing that the next time he used a sword, his life would be on the line.

As Mist called him in for breakfast, Ike went in, wondering briefly if this was the last meal he would ever eat.

The only people at the table was Titania, Boyd, and Boyd's older brother, Oscar. An ex crimean knight who was apparently at the same level of skill as two noobs, Oscar was a rather nice guy, although the fact that he never opened his eyes had always terrified Ike.

As Ike pulled up a chair and sat down, Boyd turned to him and grinned. "Hey, look who's finally sitting with the adults now!"

"Good job, Boyd." Ike said absentmindedly as he helped himself to biscuits. "You don't really deserve it, but whatever."

Boyd was about to retort, but Oscar cleared his throat and spoke. "That's enough you two. You need to prepare yourselfs for what is to come, with your body and mind."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Boyd muttered, as Ike nodded solemnly.

"Are you nervous, Ike?" Oscar asked.

"Not really." Ike shrugged. "I was a little bit last night, but now I feel calm."

"That's good. You'll need to focus all your energy into this battle."

"Where's Commander Dad?" Ike asked Titania, who was munching on a piece of toast. She swallowed, and then spoke:

"He left earlier with Gatrie and Shinon." Titania said coolly.

"Why?" Ike asked, wondering what the hell three of the best members of the company were doing out on their own. Commander Dad by himself could pretty much destroy fifty guys with out much effort.

"I don't know!" She snapped. "Goddess, just... don't even ask!" She jolted to her feet and bounched off.

Ike blinked in surprise as he looked towards Boyd and Oscar. They looked nearly as shocked as he did.

"What the hell?" Boyd sputtered. "I... don't..."

"I suppose even the most level headed of us can lose our temper, occassionally." Oscar agreed, sipping his orange juice. He had now moved on to a more thoughtful expression. "But as to why... That is the question that concerns me."

"She's supervising us today, as well." Boyd grumbled. "Damn it... If she turns on us, we're screwed."

"Come on." Ike said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. "You really think she's going to attack us while we're out there?"

"I wouldn't put it past her." Boyd said darkly. "She's done it to Shinon before."

"Oh, Shinon deserved it." Ike said dismissively, as he stood up and stretched. He yawned, and then turned back to Boyd. "I mean, you know how he is. If Commander Dad doesn't keep him on a tight leash, he goes off, gets drunk, and ends up raiding a few villages with the people we are supposed to cut down."

"I can't wait until he leaves the company." Boyd grumbled. "Guy's a complete prick. Did I tell I ever tell you about the whole heartfelt incident?"

"Guys, that's enough." Oscar said fimly. "Shinon is a trusted member of this company, and as Commander Greil trusts and respects him, I think we should as well."

"Anyway, let's just agree to stay on Titania's good side today, alright?" Boyd asked Ike. Ike nodded quickly, to convey his agreement.

"Ike, have you been briefed yet?" Oscar asked Ike. Ike shook his head, and Oscar sighed. "Alright. Well, the gist of our job today is to rout the bandits in a small village called Caldea." Oscar explained.

"I know the place." Ike said. "What I want to know is: Why the hell have we been waiting so long? I mean, didn't we learn of the whole bandit problem last night? They could have killed everyone in town by now! I mean, there are only about four houses."

"Shut up, Ike. You need the experience just as much as we do. Anyway, we're going out there now with Titania. Boyd, go find her."

Boyd's eyes became wide as saucers as he vehemently shook his head no.

"Well, I'm sure as hell not going in there." Ike declared. "Oy! Titania! Ready to go?"

The sound of flurried footsteps along with several crashing metallic objects as Titania brought her head through the door.

"I was waiting for you three!" She said. She had seemed to had calmed down somewhat: The question itself was accusatory, but she used an oddly playful tone. Ike looked towards Boyd with a questioning look. Boyd shrugged and mouthed 'remember what we talked about.' Ike nodded, and the three soldiers were led outside by their oddly cheery Deputy commander.

"Ike, this is your first mission. Give it your all, and make sure you regret nothing, okay?" She said sweetly, smiling at Ike from on top of her huge white horse. Ike nodded. Privately, he wondered what was going on in the Red Haired Paladin's mind.

As the Foursome headed out to Caldea, which was a unspecified unit of distance away, Ike's thought were on the battle ahead. They had no tactician, as Soren was off doing who knows what with the Sicilian Crowd, but it was doubtless that they would need one. Bandits were underleveled, untrained, unorganized, and smelly. Also, as this was Ike's first job, he knew Greil would not assign him anything overtly difficult until he knew he could handle it.

"Reaper, reaper, that's what people call me..." Boyd sang under his breath, as he swung his axe in haphazard swings, narrowly missing Oscar's horse. "And then they all, die-"

Ike rolled his eyes, and quickly tried to think of his own tune to calm his nerves.

And his mother's face appeared in his mind's eye, smiling that nurturing smile of hers, as she hummed the tune that Ike still had no name for.

_"Yeah, thinking about my mother while I'm marching into a fight to the death is completely normal." _ As Ike hummed the melody, he relaxed just a tad bit.

Before he knew it, they had arrived in Caldea.

"Okay, men." Titania said as they stopped in front of the town gate. "i think right before a fight to the death is the oppurtune time to do a quick review over the weapons triangle, because apparently we couldn't discuss this on the way here, or anything."

Ike groaned, and Boyd blurted out: "Oh come on. Just tell Ike what's what, and Oscar and I will go ahead and thrash em' all."

Titania chose to ignore him. "Anyway, Ike. Axes beat Lances, Lances beat Swords, and Swords beat Axes. You got that?"

"Yeah." Ike said. "Question. Does this actually have a real life basis, or are the developers just messing with us?"

"Don't know, don't care." Titania said dismissively. "Ready, Greil Mercernaries? Attack."

As Ike, Boyd, and Oscar rushed into the fray, Titania got off her horse, laid her axe on the ground and pulled out a large cigar, made in Begnion. She puffed happily as she allowed two minors and an older brother fight some older men to the death for a quick buck.

"Dammit, Titania." Boyd complained as he fought off a Swordsman and a Axe guy at once. "Come on and fight!"

"This is Normal mode, kid." Titania said, as she blew out smoke into the air. "I don't get shit for experience unless I kill someone, and I'd like you three to know how to fight by the time we take on harder jobs."

"You could just unequip your weapon and just act as a human shield!" Oscar snapped, as three of the axe men chased him around the map as he desperatlely tried to swallow a vulneary.

"I'll think about it..." Titania said as she took a large drag on her cigar. "No."

Ike did not even notice Titania's lack of interest in her comrade in arms lives: On the contrary, he had just killed three guys and was feeling really good.

"This killing people thing is awesome!" Ike said, drawing stares from both sides of the conflict. "I just take my sword, and..." as Ike brutally decapitated the guy who burned down the house that no one seems to have cared about enough to save. "Freedom is the only way, yeah!" He proclaimed, as he stood in front of the boss of level one.

"He's a little excited, don't you think?" Oscar asked Boyd, uncertainty in his voice. "Aren't people supposed to be a bit more... ah, reserved, after they first kill someone?"

"Not Ike, apparently."

"Alrught, nameless Bandit." Ike gloated, as he stood around the body's of the man's fallen friends. "Give up, or face the wrath of Ike the Common Mercernary."

"I have a name. It's-"

However, with two slashes, the man was dead on the floor. However, his rather depressing death quote would remain with Ike for the remainder of his quest:

"No! I wanted to do so much with my life..."

And thus, the bandit whose name no one knows because he want not awesome, cowardly, hiliarously overconfident in his level three abilities, or Duke Oliver (That fat bastard) died alone and unloved, just like we all will, someday.

"Ike, seize the building." Titania commanded from twenty squares away, over by the entrance.

As Ike stepped forward onto the patch of grass that was glowing blue to the nuclear powered meteorite that had hit the ground here a long time ago, and selected the seize command.

...

"Well, guys, mission accomplished." Titania said. "Good job, Ike. You'll make a fine mercernary yet."

"And now, to collect our fee." Boyd said, rubbing his palms together, greed in his eyes. "Excellent."

The old guy who had hired them stepped out of his house, looking pleased with the results of the hit.

"Ah, if it isn't the lovely Titania. Always a pleasure to see you work." The man beamed. Titania smiled, and Boyd poked Ike in the arm, and as Ike looked his way, he made a hole in between his index finger and thumb and inserted the other index through the hole rapidly. Ike stared, wondering what the hell Boyd was doing, before lost Boyd lost his patience and turned back to the old guy, who was chatting with Oscar.

"And this is your brother, is it?" He asked Oscar, as he looked Boyd over. "Hmm... a fighter, are you? I suppose Greil needs someone to carry on his whole 'Giant Axe' image after he retires... which, probably shouldn't happen anytime soon." He chuckled, as he turned to Ike. "And who are you? Very splendid sword work out there, I was impressed."

"I am Ike." Ike said simply.

"Well, it's good to see that Greil is taking on new recruits." The old guy said, nodding. "Yes, Greil himself is as formidable as ever, but it never hurts to have young blood." He said, as he turned to Titania again. "Yes, us older folk won't last forever, you know... Must pass on our knowledge and all of that."

"Yes." Titania said, nodding. "I agree."

"Well, be sure to give Greil my regards, and thanks again for helping out our village." As the Old guy sauntered back into his house, the mercernaries looked at each other, all thinking the same thing.

"Hey!" Boyd called. "Where's our cash?"

The old guy turned around, with a perplexed look on his face.

"As you can see..." He said coldly. "We have a lost a building due to your carelessness. You will not be seeing a single piece from us, I assure you."

And he slammed his door in their face.

"Well, that was sudden." Boyd said, after a pause.

"It was kind of our fault." Oscar said. "I guess he has a point."

"Commander Dad's going to be pissed."

The three turned away and walked to the gate, baffled by the old guy's douchebaggery. However, by the time they reached the gate, they realized that the laziest and most feminine among them was not walking with them.

"Titania?" Boyd asked.

...

The four of them walked home together, as Ike and Boyd played a game of catch the huge sack of gold being tossed around.

"Wow, Titania. You really showed that guy." Boyd said as he tossed the sack. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen."

"Now we technically have two houses on our conscience... Ugh." Oscar sighed.

"Relax." Titania said, as she cleaned her bloodstained axe, her horse galloping at a leisurely pace. "We'll just send the cash for bare minimum repairs. If you have bandits in your town, you're going to lose property. Don't blame it on the mercernaries who come in to save your ass and rufuse to pay up."

"He seemed like such a nice guy, though." Oscar muttered.

"If he was a nice guy, he would have paid." Boyd pointed out. "Anyway, we saved two houses, so we did a good job. Let's go home and get some sleep."

And that they did.


	3. King Kilvas sucks

I would like to take a moment to tell King Kilvas to go straight to hell. Seriously, go fuck yourself. You killed Titania, Astrid, Dodged Ike's Aether, and then killed Ike. Oh, and one of your asshole friends killed Reyson. Seriously: Fuck off.

The Greil Mercernaries were sitting around the dinner table, laughing and telling jokes about the most pathetic being on Tellius.

"So I say... 'who do you think you are? King Kilvas?' And then the homeless guy just looks at me and says 'Bro. King Kilvas sucks." Greil said, smacking the top of the table.

The Greil Mercernaries chortled, for the King of Kilvas was such an unlikable and unusable unit that any sort of saying that implied that he was a pathetic asshole was considered hiliarious.

"I remember one time, while I was a knight..." Titania began. She leaned towards Greil slightly. Ike knew Titania was once a knight, but it was very rarely discussed by the mercernaries. "Daein had hired a bunch of crows for a border skirmish fight with Crimea, and King Kilvas was there, and we were like 'Oh shit. Sub-humans! What do we do?' Well, King Kilvas flew over to us and was like 'Bro, if you pay us twice as much as these guys, we'll backstab them and join your side."

"What a greedy little shit." Boyd muttered. "Greed must be the greatest sin set by the goddess, otherwise a being such as Naesela could not exist."

"Well, King Gallia was like, 'No way, bro!" And jumped at him and beat the shit out of him. You know, because King Kilvas sucks."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." The Mercernaries chuckled in unison. Any joke where King Kilvas was the target had to be funny, because he was just that pathetic.

"King Kilvas is so pathetic, he's still a virgin!" Boyd proclaimed.

Silence.

"Boyd, there's nothing wrong with that." Titania said.

"Oh shut up!" Boyd snarled. "Come on! He's a king, king's are supposed to be complete studs, King Kilvas clearly isn't, so it's funny."

"Well, I suppose it is rather funny." Greil said thoughtfully.

"Commander Dad, it's King Kilvas. Anything that makes him look bad is funny."

"King Kilvas sucks so much, no one wants to be his friend, no one wants an A support with him, and no one from his kingdom is any good!" Boyd proclaimed.

"This is actually relevant, so that is clearly funny." Greil said.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." The Mercernaries said in unison.

"That's enough of that." Greil said sharply. "Ike, if you don't want to be as pathetic and useless as Neasala, go to bed. Same goes for you, Boyd."

"I couldn't be as pathetic as King Kilvas if I went through the whole game with no sword equipped, and no kills or experience to my name." Ike said, which brought on another rousing 'ha ha ha's' from the group.

...

Unlike King Kilvas, who is pretty much useless without his permanent Laguz transformation gimmick. (well, even more useless, anyway) Ike got up before Three in the afternoon to warm up for his second job as a member of the most elite fighting force in Crimea.

Ike would feel rather sorry for King Kilvas, if it was possible to feel sorry for such a pathetic and useless asshole. As he swung his sword, pretending to critical King Kilvas's transformed carcass again and again, Mist and Boyd's annoying little crybaby brother Rolf came up to him with huge smiles.

"Brother!" Mist called, because for some reason she refers to Ike as such in game. "Rolf and I are going to go out and pick wildflowers."

"Okay...?" Ike said. He felt very sorry for Rolf: It must really suck to get friendzoned with the only girl your age in the entire camp. However, if Rolf knew what was happening, he didn't show it. He seemed in rather high spirits.

"We'll be back soon!" Mist said, as the two walked away.

"Don't talk to any strangers." Ike muttered, as he continued to swing his sword. As pathetic as Rolf's attempts to get Mist to fall in love with him were, at least he would learn from the experience. Unlike King Kilvas, Rolf was a pretty cool guy. Ike wished him the best, as he continued his training.

As Ike finished his King Kilvas murdering simulation, he headed inside to get something to eat and laugh with Boyd about Rolf's predictament. Little did he know that Rhys the great had arisen!

Rhys staggered his way through the garden, trying to regain the feeling in his legs. Having lain in bed for weeks for questionable reasons had nearly eroded his leg muscles, and he would need to be able to walk if he was to assist the company.

"Ah, Titania!" He called. He put his weight on the fence as he staggered towards the ginger deputy commander, who was tending her white horse. "How are you?"

"Rhys!" She screamed, as she dropped her horse brushing tool. "Rhys, are you alright? You look awful!"

"Well... I've been better." Rhys said, offering her a shaky smile. "Of course, even as I am now, I'm still better then King Kilvas."

"Everyone's better then King Kilvas." Titania said as she checked Rhys over. "What's wrong with your legs?"

"They're just a little stiff." Rhys told her. "I've been lying down for a few weeks, after all."

"Still..." Titania said, as she bit her lip. "This stuff happens an awful lot to you Rhys. You're our only staff wielder, and if anything was to happen to you, well... it might set us back a bit."

Rhys laughed nervously. "Yeah, I'll try to stay safe. Just for you. Oh... by the way..." he said, as he fished into his pocket. "I went for a walk down the road and fell down, and this nice guy helped me up and gave me this letter. He told me to give it to the red cressed knight." He chuckled. "Do you have an admirer, Titania?"

Titania raised her eyebrows, as she took the letter from Rhys. True, her One True Love was kind of treating her like an asshole at the moment, but Titania always liked meeting new guys.

As Titania peeled open the letter, Rhys watched with amusement.

"He's probably from Caldea. I saw Ike, and he told me what you did to the Geezer there. Some guys like tough women, you know? I bet-"

"Dammit Rhys!" Titania snapped. She threw the letter to the ground, and jumped onto her horse and rode off.

"What? What did I say?" Rhys wondered aloud. He briefly wondered if he was going to be as hated as Neasala for whatever it was that he did, but he dismissed that thought. No one could hate someone more then how everyone hated King Kilvas now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Rhys decided to be bold, and grabbed the letter, flipped it over and read.

_Hahahahaha. _

_Stop. _

_We stole the brats._

_Stop._

_Hahahahahahahahahahaha._

_Stop._

_You're a tool._

_Hahahahahahahahahahaha._

_Stop._

_Wanna go to dinner sometime, red head? You're paying. _

_Stop. _

_We're going to have lots of sex._

_Stop. _

_King Kilvas is awesome._

_Stop._

_Bye_

_Stop. _

_Love, the bandits who raided Caldea, who for some reason are still alive. _

Rhys stared at the letter in shock. He then mustered up his energy and dashed into the base.

...

Ike and Boyd were sitting at the table, swapping some more King Kilvas jokes. Ike was peeling an apple with a small knife, and Boyd was working on the computer, writing what he claimed to be a parody of the 'romance' genre. Ike had a look at once and had a laugh, because of the whole over the topness of it all. The hero, BIRD, was the prodigy of an elite group of mercenaries along with his loser best friend Hurricane, his brother Abel, Hurricane's beautiful kid sister Cerulean, BIRD's other brother, Loser, who did nothing but cry, and the boss man, who was awesome and shit.

In between bouts that decided the world's fate, BIRD and crew traveled around the planet, and BIRD took the oppurtunity to have sex with everything that crossed paths with him. Eventually, their travels brought them to the land of pure evil, which was no longer evil due to the radiant beauty of the silver haired Maiden of Dawn... MARY SUE!

Well, it turns out that MARY SUE was the vessel of the eternal goddess, so by having sex with her, BIRD ensured his awesomeness and immortality by having sex with two women at once! YEAH!

"Guys!" Rhys screamed as he barged into the room.

"Hey, Rhys." Ike said as Rhys continued screaming. "What the hell's going on?"

"This!" He said, as he thrust the letter into Ike's hands.

"Oh... Okay." Ike said. "Mist and Rolf have been kidnapped. "He said to Boyd. "come on, let's go save 'em."

"I'm busy!" Boyd snapped.

"They also said that King Kilvas is awesome." Rhys added.

"Oh my goddess, what the fuck!" Boyd screamed as he jumped into the air. "Let's fuck their shit up!"

I've got my four iron swords, I'm ready to go." Ike said, as he checked his inventory. "Oh wait... no. A steel sword and three iron swords. My bad."

"No one says King Kilvas is awesome! No one!" Boyd raged, as he smashed his axe against the table, smashing it in half. "When I meet King Kilvas, that will be him! In one shot!"

"Whatever." Ike said as he grabbed Rhys and Oscar and headed for the door.

...

As the four entered the battle map, they couldn't help but notice the asshole standing on top of the hill.

"Hey! Asshole!" Boyd screamed.

"How do we know that these are the right assholes?" Ike wondered, as he looked through the crowd of losers.

"Bwahahaha! So you finally came!"

"Okay, that's how."

As the four heroes got into postition, the battle started with a bang. Oscar murdered the guy with the sword standing to the north, leaving Boyd and Ike free to trample across the guys who foolishly chose to cross them.

"Alright, only about five more guys to go." Ike said, as he looked over his shoulder. "Yo! Rhys! Catch up!"

"I'm sorry." Rhys panted. He could only move about six squares in any direction, and he quickly fell behind the others. "I'm still a little tired from my... umm... sickness."

"I bet." Ike snapped. "Never mind. We can finish this on our own."

"IKE!" A voice screamed.

"Dammit, it's Titania." Ike grumbled.

"Hey, Titania!" Boyd called. "Did you accept the invititation to dinner?"

"Go to hell, Boyd!" Titania snapped. "I thought my orders to you were to stay put?"

The four looked at each other in confusion.

"Uh, no. You didn't tell us anything." Ike said.

"Don't lie to me!" She snapped. "Charge!"

She galloped her horse forward and had the horse jump over Ike's head. She reached over and smacked Ike in the head with the Axe handle, knocking him unconsious.

"Ike? Ike? IKKKKKKKKKKKKKKE!"

Ike came to as the map ended, and found himself staring down some asshole threatening his sister with a sword.

"I kind of like my sister, so let her go." Ike said, as he grabbed his sword.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha." The asshole laughed. "This girl's about as alive as people who like King Kilvas! Which is not at all!" He began to swing his axe downward, when Titania cried out in alarm.

"Umm... Everyone, drop your weapons. Then you'll leave her alone, right?" Titania said.

"Sure, Whatevs." The bandit shrugged.

"Okay." Ike said. "I don't see how this could possibly go wrong." As the sound effect of unequipping swords clicked, Ike's sprite sword disappeared into thin air.

"Time to throw a Kilvas move of dickery! I said I wouldn't kill her, so..." The asshole ran a few steps to the right, and attacked Rolf.

"King Kilvas, you stupid asshole!"

"King Kilvas sucks!" A voice from the forest screamed.

"What?" THe guy looked to the right, and was hit in the face by an arrow.

"Boom. Headshot." Shinon said as he stepped out of the shadows.

"Shinon, I'm so glad to see you." Titania said in relief.

"Nice shot, Shinon." Ike said sarcastically. "That was only like, what? Twelve squares away? I thought you said your range was two?"

"Go to hell, Ike. Your as ungrateful as King Kilvas.

"hey, I'm here too!"

"Shut up, Gatrie."

King Kilvas Sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas Sucks

Ike Is awesome

King Kilvas sucks

Evanna Lynch is hot

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

Padding is a legit move, shut up

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

Viewtiful Joe is awesome

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

I need to write more

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks

King Kilvas sucks


	4. AUTHOR'S NOTE

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

I have appeared to have lost my copy of the Game Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance. I have no idea where it disappeared to. I am going to go ahead and accuse King Kilvas of this bastardry.

As a result, I am officially discontinuing this story until I recover the disc. I remain optimistic that it is still somewhere in my house, but that's what I said about nearly every Game Boy Color and Advance game I ever owned that I liked.

I am making no promises, but I may consider going through Radiant Dawn instead, as I still have that game in clear sight. I can't say I'm thrilled with the idea, but yeah. To be honest, I've been dying to write about the Dawn Brigade, but I certainly wasn't expecting to consider it so soon.

As I have no Fire Emblem stories right now, and I have none in mind, I suppose I shall not be involved with the community anymore. This somewhat saddens me, because you all seem rather decent compared to most people on the site.

I'll keep my eyes open for the disc, but remember: No promises.

Megagamer


End file.
